Help me support our anonymous blogger!
"Writing anonymously on somebody else's blog is both liberating and terrifying. On one hand I wanted to let it all out - my life right now is a mess to be honest and having a space to say all of those things that float around in my head all day (both the good & nice and the selfish & shameful thoughts) without them being directly attributed to me would be fantastic. On the other hand, in a pretty honest exposure of where most of my issues stem from, I don't want to show those sides of myself, to cause others pain for even a second as they consider what is inside my head. And so I find myself at this point where a simply anonymous blog post has highlighted how, after 31 years of life, I have arrived at the point where years of self-sacrificing - of not looking after myself in a way that no-one else will and of accepting the responsibility for other peoples lives (problems and all) - have resulted in feeling so trapped that anxiety and lack of hope seem to follow me everywhere. Even to the writing of an anonymous blog post.
I have battled with depression which was undiagnosed until I was 28 years old. The medication can numb the pain of it but unfortunately it can just never undo the past and that is where the work is. I can recognise now what some of my major flaws in interacting with the world around me (see above) have been but it takes time to change those patterns of behaviour and to get over the (unnecessary but inevitable) guilt I feel when I take control of those patterns and turn them around to make them more 'appropriate'. Even now, as I battle to improve a relationship that has really been incredibly dysfunctional as a result of both mine and my partners issues, I feel incapable of making the tough decisions required to move forward. Why? Guilt and Fear. I feel guilty about standing up for myself if it causes pain for someone else, and I feel afraid of being alone because if I stick up for myself then people won't want to be around me anymore. I feel afraid that I don't have the time to deal with these patterns in a way that can make me really happy with life and mostly I feel afraid because I have no idea what it would take to me happy. Not to mention the pressures involved with being an adult - having to maintain a job to pay rent, debt repayments etc. Remember when you were a kid and you thought that no matter what happened your parents would ALWAYS be able to make it better. That's what I want now, that naivety back, or possibly even someone with magical powers to just swoop in and make it better!
So I have decided to let those thoughts alone be my anonymous mark on someone else's blog. Sorry to be a downer - I so much wanted to be quirky and amusing but at the moment I just don't have it in me! "
People are still going to adore you, even if you stand up for yourself. I promise.
ReplyDeleteyou sound a lot like me, although i was diagnosed at 19. i'm 33, but went to counseling to "do the work" as you said. it was SO TOUGH. it really was. i still go to maintenance counseling and there is NOTHING wrong with that. you CAN get through co-dependent relationships. the important part is having your partner be part of your healing and part of your sessions if you choose to start the healing. don't leave them out in the cold. that will create a greater distance. do it for yourself. it is NOT selfish to take care of yourself and your needs. once i learned that, things have been much better for me. you can always contact me if you want someone to discuss this with. :)
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